The Taste, or lack there of

Ah January, you're an evil bitch aren't you?

Sausages. In Pitta.
Looks Gross

This month I've given up alcohol in order to pursue healthier endeavours, things such as eating vegetables and not spending the remaining three pounds in my bank account on alcohol - there's something noble about 'dry January', there's nothing clever about being too poor to drink.

The lack of cash means I'm having to resort to food that is currently in my cupboards which is, obviously, not much (there's a lot of tea though strangely enough, and all manner of ways to make coffee).

Tonight's feast will incorporate three of the four major food groups; bread, Linda McCartney sausages, and soup (note: I would have included peas but there weren't any) to make a truly sumptuous vegetarian concoction for one. Can you see where this is heading?

Tomato Soup with Sausages in Pitta Bread.

1. Microwave sausages for a bit so you don't have to grill them for as long.

Boiling soup

2. Half-heartedly wash grill pan, think about buying tin foil.

3. Empty content of soup tin into a saucepan.

4. Put sausages under grill, any old heat should do it, probably high as stuff cooks quicker this way.

5. Put pitta bread in tiny little toaster.

6. Take pitta bread out of tiny little toaster and put under grill instead.

7. After a bit, turn pitta bread over.

8. Remember you haven't turned sausages over and do those too.

9. Cut toasted pitta bread in two and liberally cover insides with BBQ sauce.

10. DO NOT LET THE SOUP BOIL, IT LOSES ITS FLAVOUR.

11. Realise soup is boiling and lift it up off heat for a bit, stir it, put it in a bowl.

12. Put sausages in BBQ-y pitta.

Et voila, a delicious yet basic meal fit for a January evening.

I couldn't even wait until I'd taken a photo
before taking two bites.

Posh crisps

In other news, I've started watching The Taste, that Nigella's a bit intimidating isn't she?  But great, like. Team Nigella all the way.  Those tiny little spoons of food, don't half make me hungry.  I managed to eat almost an entire grab bag of walkers while watching that show, sensations, the posh ones in honour of Nige, obvs. Haute cuisine to us Brummies, that.

a bank holiday weekend feast

What a weekend, ay?  The sun was shining; there was science, lolz, wedding prep (not mine, my sister's - gonna be totes emoshe), pubs, parks and food.

After a glorious day of looking at wedding venues and listening to love-filled playlists in the sun, I returned home to find no "normal" food to make for dinner.  There weren't even any frozen peas (or if there were, the freezer had once again won the battle in temperature control and claimed them for its own by wedging them firmly to its wall with a thick layer of frost) nor even a mushroom to be had.  I was also out of gravy. And vinegar.

But all was not lost...

As I left yesterday's sun-kissed picnic on primrose hill I, being the only one with a bag, decided to avail myself of the left over food.

The picnic mainly consisted of crisps and scotch eggs but there were a few interesting flourishes, such as a fruity Moroccan couscous, a jar of very reasonably priced cornichons and three tubs of tzatziki... what kind of people bring three tubs of tzatziki? It's perverse.


Obviously I made use of the crisps, any self-respecting woman with a grab bag of walkers sensations would do the same.

Bank Holiday Cous Cous Salad

1. Eat a chocolate and caramel magnum.

2. Open cous cous

3. Put it in a bowl.

4. Open cornichons.

5. Put them in a bowl, sticking up like little curly phalli.

6. Put a blob of tzatziki on side of bowl.

7. Stand the fallen cornichons up again.

8. Put a blob of houmous on the side.

9. Remember you've got half a grab bag of walkers sensations in your bag.

10. Have one.

11. Put crisps on side of the plate, thus making crisps "dinner"

and not an unhealthy snack,

12. eat.

A life without bread is no life at all

It’s noon on a muggy June day and I’m struggling.  I have been in this lonely place for almost 16 hours.

It’s hard now for me to understand why I’m doing this.  If I’m honest I’ve lost sight of my original reasonings, it seems like insanity, but I know that that’s the hunger talking. 

I woke this morning with the taste of cheese toasties on my lips.  It was, of course, a mirage, a cruel trick that my subconscious played.  It appears that even I'm against me.

You probably can’t begin to fathom making the decision to lose bread from your diet but following an excessive consumption of the carb-orific white stuff I was spent.

WHAT THE--?  Oh, I thought I saw a bear but it was just my hair.  I'm weak and I'm delirious.  It's not safe here.

With the onset of summer it’s only going to get harder – burgers, picnics, BBQs – it all seems so pointless without a finger roll or a seeded bap.

When I started this I had no idea of the danger I was putting myself in, perhaps I was naïve, perhaps I  was stupid but until you’re in it there’s no way of anticipating the terror that comes with it

My ordeal is likely to leave me malnourished, exhausted and possibly frostbitten. 

I’m wandering alone through the wilderness and I’m lost, my sports socks are showing above my heeled ankle boots.

I didn’t want you to see me like this.

Perhaps this harrowing ordeal is a testament to bravery and survival, perhaps it’s just vain whimsy but with only a bag of crisps and a 1.5 litre bottle of evian I’m determined to make it through this.  It’s not going to be an easy ride and I may waiver in my determination but I’ll do this.  I’ll do it for you.

I done gone and twotted

I have a twitter account.

Tis thus... @NotNigellaL or twitter.com/NotNigellaL

I thought the name was quite clever and (@notnigellalawson had already been taken so...) but actually it sort of looks like a foreign word or like gobbledegook.

So far I have zero followers,  I'm a voice in the dark.

First follower gets a ham sandwich.

A Child's Dinner Party Meal. For One. Adult.

On the tube on the way home today a pregnant lady took an entire french stick from her rucksack and ate it.  All of it. No butter, no condiments.  Just an entire loaf of bread.  They can get away with anything can't they? "Can I have your seat?  I'm pregnant?"  Can I use your toilet?  I'm pregnant." "Can I eat an entire loaf of bread in one sitting?  I'm pregnant." You do whatever you need to do pregnant lady.

Anyway, tonight's meal is partially in honour of said pregnant lady and mostly is in honour of the fact that I can't cook.

It is a meal for a child.  For an adult.

My lovely little nieces eat anything, they're already so much more sophisticated than me.  Orla loves olives, Freya loves frankfurters (I don't think she does I just went with an alliteration thing after I said Orla and Olive, Orla really does love olives though, it wasn't all for show) but their meals tend to be quite basic.  Like mine. But this is because they're 1 and 3, not because they're "lazy, retarded and inept". Like me.

So tonight, inspired by lady with a bump and bread,  I bought myself some generic, no brand (warbuton's) "sandwich thins" -- they're a really nice level of bread, you're definitely eating bread but it doesn't overtake the filling which has been known to happen. Some well good cheese - extra mature, obvs. And some soup.

The super sleuths amongst you will have deduced that I had: A CHEESE SANDWICH WITH SOUP.

Mmmmm, basic meals are just the best.  The plainer the better, unless we're talking picnic and then it's a very lavish affair.

Although I did have some coleslaw already in the fridge (FYI I don't normally have stuff "in the fridge", this was left over from a lavish picnic that I had) and as an ode to the pregnant lady added some brown sauce.  They love all of that weird stuff don't they?  "Can I dip my gherkin in your ribena? I'm pregnant."

A Child's Dinner Party Meal. For One. Adult.  Or Ode to Pregnant Tube Lady

What you will Need

Generic sandwich thins (made by warburton's) - they're already cut in half, couldn't be easier.

Strong cheddar cheese

Coleslaw

Brown sauce

Soup - i had a tomato and lentil - fancy.

Recipe

1. hmm, not sure what I did first.

2. possibly put soup in a pan, yeah I think put soup in a pan.

3. open generic sandwich thin.

4. cut cheese

5. eat cheese

6. cut more cheese

7. put cheese on sandwich thin

8. should probably stir soup a bit, it's sticking to the bottom of the pan

 9. get coleslaw out of fridge

10. put coleslaw on sandwich

11. put brown sauce on sandwich

12. put soup in bowl.

13. put lid of sandwich thin on top of sandwich

14. eat over laptop.

Oh I forgot to mention, the brown sauce was out of date.  But only by a month.  That's probably fine, right?  I'm not sure who the brown sauce belongs to.  Possibly someone who moved out sometime ago. Probably the pyscho.  She was a laugh.

A Proper 'Council' Meal

Generic fish finger brand,
don't you worry readers,
I'm no corporate sell out.

Do you remember when people used to use 'a bit council' as way of describing something cheap or rubbish? As an adjective it's disrespectful and snobby and elitist.  I, for one, shall not be using that word  again and will just describe tonight's dinner as a bit trampy instead.

Please see recipe for
comment

I had an awful realisation the other day that I'm getting a bit bored of peas... Luckily for all you pea lovers out there, they taste exactly the same whether you cook them for 2 or 12 minutes - an invaluable tool in the kitchen of an anti-chef like myself (FYI  I googled chef antonyms to check that there wasn't a better word and yahoo answers gave me "inept", "retarded" and "lazy"- cheers yahoo, no wonder google is infinitely more successful than you).  I'm getting side tracked but suffice it to say, tonight's meal contains peas...

...Peas and cabbage and fish fingers.

Don't worry I totally got more
after the shock of last week.

I feel the need to point out that the reason I eat a lot of vegetables isn't because I'm very healthy or that I'm on a diet (although, since you bring it up,  I have put on half a stone in the last three weeks - I'd actually rather not talk about it, but thanks for reminding me, anyway it's only because alcohol contains a lot of empty calories so I could totally lose it in, like, no time if I even wanted to which I don't, even).

I'm not - on a diet - just yesterday I had a nandos,  although, weirdly,  I've had a stomach ache for over 24 hours now (AGAIN,  I really don't want to talk about it.  You're being a real bitch tonight, do you know that?)

So, peas and cabbage and fish fingers, mmmm.  That's actually quite a normal meal isn't?  The sort of thing that someone who could cook but couldn't be bothered to put the effort in might make, right?

Microwavable cabbage!  Who knew?  It's a revelation.  You barely have to do anything to it, just put it in the microwave, this could become a staple.

This even looks disgusting
to me and I swear I have, like,
2 tastebuds in my entire mouth

A Proper Council Trampy Meal

What you will need

Fish Fingers

Microwavable Cabbage

Peas (obvs)

Gravy (obvs)

Vinegar (obvs)

Recipe

1. Turn on grill (any setting should be fine)

2.  Put fish fingers under it.

3. You have a few mins to kill here (cooking is all about timing), personally I put some washing on but you could flick through a magazine, run the hoover around, watch the news headlines or draw yourself a bubble bath and wack some Kenny G on the stereo ... I don't know who that is.

4. Boil kettle

5. Put water in pan with peas.

6. Cut your two bags of cabbage in half (surely it's against advertising standards or something to have two for two pound stickers on a bag of cabbage but no option to buy them individually?  It's like one separated into two halves for two pound, anyway, I digress)

7. Put your cabbage into the microwave for two minutes.

8. Read instruction on other package, take cabbage out of microwave, pierce holes in packet and place back in for the remaining time.

9. Gravy - water, blah blah

10. Put all on same plate and sprinkle generously with sarsons vinegar.

11. Eat

12. Write a blog about it - optional.  Actually don't, there's nothing creative about a copycat.

And there you have it a meal for peasants, made by a peasant, consisting of peas-ant-cabbage - look,  I made a pun on peas and peasants. Now THAT's creative little miss copy arse.

.

i'm out of vinegar...