A life without bread is no life at all

It’s noon on a muggy June day and I’m struggling.  I have been in this lonely place for almost 16 hours.

It’s hard now for me to understand why I’m doing this.  If I’m honest I’ve lost sight of my original reasonings, it seems like insanity, but I know that that’s the hunger talking. 

I woke this morning with the taste of cheese toasties on my lips.  It was, of course, a mirage, a cruel trick that my subconscious played.  It appears that even I'm against me.

You probably can’t begin to fathom making the decision to lose bread from your diet but following an excessive consumption of the carb-orific white stuff I was spent.

WHAT THE--?  Oh, I thought I saw a bear but it was just my hair.  I'm weak and I'm delirious.  It's not safe here.

With the onset of summer it’s only going to get harder – burgers, picnics, BBQs – it all seems so pointless without a finger roll or a seeded bap.

When I started this I had no idea of the danger I was putting myself in, perhaps I was naïve, perhaps I  was stupid but until you’re in it there’s no way of anticipating the terror that comes with it

My ordeal is likely to leave me malnourished, exhausted and possibly frostbitten. 

I’m wandering alone through the wilderness and I’m lost, my sports socks are showing above my heeled ankle boots.

I didn’t want you to see me like this.

Perhaps this harrowing ordeal is a testament to bravery and survival, perhaps it’s just vain whimsy but with only a bag of crisps and a 1.5 litre bottle of evian I’m determined to make it through this.  It’s not going to be an easy ride and I may waiver in my determination but I’ll do this.  I’ll do it for you.

I done gone and twotted

I have a twitter account.

Tis thus... @NotNigellaL or twitter.com/NotNigellaL

I thought the name was quite clever and (@notnigellalawson had already been taken so...) but actually it sort of looks like a foreign word or like gobbledegook.

So far I have zero followers,  I'm a voice in the dark.

First follower gets a ham sandwich.

A Child's Dinner Party Meal. For One. Adult.

On the tube on the way home today a pregnant lady took an entire french stick from her rucksack and ate it.  All of it. No butter, no condiments.  Just an entire loaf of bread.  They can get away with anything can't they? "Can I have your seat?  I'm pregnant?"  Can I use your toilet?  I'm pregnant." "Can I eat an entire loaf of bread in one sitting?  I'm pregnant." You do whatever you need to do pregnant lady.

Anyway, tonight's meal is partially in honour of said pregnant lady and mostly is in honour of the fact that I can't cook.

It is a meal for a child.  For an adult.

My lovely little nieces eat anything, they're already so much more sophisticated than me.  Orla loves olives, Freya loves frankfurters (I don't think she does I just went with an alliteration thing after I said Orla and Olive, Orla really does love olives though, it wasn't all for show) but their meals tend to be quite basic.  Like mine. But this is because they're 1 and 3, not because they're "lazy, retarded and inept". Like me.

So tonight, inspired by lady with a bump and bread,  I bought myself some generic, no brand (warbuton's) "sandwich thins" -- they're a really nice level of bread, you're definitely eating bread but it doesn't overtake the filling which has been known to happen. Some well good cheese - extra mature, obvs. And some soup.

The super sleuths amongst you will have deduced that I had: A CHEESE SANDWICH WITH SOUP.

Mmmmm, basic meals are just the best.  The plainer the better, unless we're talking picnic and then it's a very lavish affair.

Although I did have some coleslaw already in the fridge (FYI I don't normally have stuff "in the fridge", this was left over from a lavish picnic that I had) and as an ode to the pregnant lady added some brown sauce.  They love all of that weird stuff don't they?  "Can I dip my gherkin in your ribena? I'm pregnant."

A Child's Dinner Party Meal. For One. Adult.  Or Ode to Pregnant Tube Lady

What you will Need

Generic sandwich thins (made by warburton's) - they're already cut in half, couldn't be easier.

Strong cheddar cheese

Coleslaw

Brown sauce

Soup - i had a tomato and lentil - fancy.

Recipe

1. hmm, not sure what I did first.

2. possibly put soup in a pan, yeah I think put soup in a pan.

3. open generic sandwich thin.

4. cut cheese

5. eat cheese

6. cut more cheese

7. put cheese on sandwich thin

8. should probably stir soup a bit, it's sticking to the bottom of the pan

 9. get coleslaw out of fridge

10. put coleslaw on sandwich

11. put brown sauce on sandwich

12. put soup in bowl.

13. put lid of sandwich thin on top of sandwich

14. eat over laptop.

Oh I forgot to mention, the brown sauce was out of date.  But only by a month.  That's probably fine, right?  I'm not sure who the brown sauce belongs to.  Possibly someone who moved out sometime ago. Probably the pyscho.  She was a laugh.